The Fake Apology
By Captain Mica Calfee
(Please see qualifications below.)
In order to be able to defuse a conflict or, in some cases, control the conversation, it is important to know when you are being attacked. It is hard to defend yourself if you don’t know that you are under attack. There are many forms of attack. Some of them are obscured by words that seem to mean one thing but really mean another. One of the most insidious and clandestine attacks is something I like to call, “The Fake Apology!”
Most
of us have used the "Fake Apology". All of us have experienced
it. When it is offered to us, we leave the conversation thinking that
we have won and yet still feeling bad about ourselves. A common form of the
"Fake Apology" is something like this:
"I am SORRY that you misunderstood what I was saying."
This sounds
like an apology. The other person used the words, "I am sorry." So
why do you still feel bad? Perhaps it is because of the underlying
meanings of the sentence.
"I am sorry that you are too stupid to understand what I am saying."
"I am sorry that you weren't paying attention."
"I am sorry that I have a better grasp of the English language than you."
And on and on.
The "Fake Apology"
can even be more elaborate. you will, in press conferences, often hear:
"I am sorry that this has been blown out of proportion."
"I am sorry that people have made such a big deal out of this."
"I would like to apologize for the misunderstanding of what I said in
the previous press conference."
If you look at this, you will see that the apologizer never takes responsibility for whatever the problem was. He might later say something like, "What do they want? I said I was sorry." (A common husband and wife complaint.) This is often followed by, "Didn't I say I was sorry?"
How do we confront this and bring the conflict back down to something constructive? It’s simple. Fight fairly and require your opponent to do so also.
When someone offers you a fake apology you should recognize and deal with it. This is not to say that you should jump on them and take them down. You could take this opportunity to launch a counter attack but that only escalates the conflict. Your best bet is to level with the person and point out that what they said is not really an apology. Many of us use the fake apology out of habit. We may not realize that we are doing it. Calmly bring it to their attention that they appear to be apologizing for your inability to understand them. Some people will correct themselves and offer a real apology. Others will become defensive. Your ability to level with them, without attacking will often make a difference. But sometimes you will be able to see their true colors. You will quickly be able tell if they really are interested in resolving the conflict or not.
Conflicts are easy to resolve if both parties want to resolve them. They are nearly impossible to resolve if one side has no interest in a resolution. By clearing up the subtext of a statement, no matter how accidental it may be, it is possible to find a clear road that both parties can share to a common goal. Allow your opponent to want to resolve the conflict.
The "Fake Apology" is just one of several forms of attack. Once we can learn how to identify them, we can be ready to brush them away and either create a resolution or launch a counter attack.
Copyright © 2003-2004 Mica Calfee
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Mica Calfee is NOT an expert in conflict management. The preceding is just an observation based upon years of training, research and dealing with people in some of the most stressful moments of their lives. It also comes from years of supervising people who have to virtually live with each other for years.
Mica Calfee served as a paramedic on an ambulance for many years then as EMS Shift Supervisor for several years. He has had to face irate citizens complaints and deal with those who have or may lose a loved one.
For the past nine years he has been a station captain. He must be a facilitator at the station for firefighters who spend way too much time with each other and a commander on the scene of life and death emergencies. It's impossible to not learn something in these situations.
He has also studied
management and leadership through college and the National Fire Academy.
Please feel free to email the author.
For more information on Delta Flight 191 go to:
http://www.planecrashinfo.com/cvr850802.htm
http://www.airdisaster.com/special/special-dl191.shtml
Other fire service related articles by Mica Calfee.
"Was it a Cow or a Comet" About the Chicago and Peshtigo Fires of 1871.
"The Brussels Sprout Incident" Humorous article about an EMS run.
"Lightedheaded" A humorous article about an EMS run.
"The Fake Apology" A little bit of conflict management advice from someone who has dealt with all kinds of conflict.
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